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[17 Sep 2004|04:14am]
No, no. Screw the last million entries, and the last entry to be exact. Screw the thoughts that I place inside my head, so misleading, and screw feeling uncomfortable with myself. This is life. Life is something that I will never succeed in. It's something that is put there, here, wherever, to make me, and everyone else struggle. This is MY life. My life consists of lies. My life consists of "apathy", which in my eyes, is really a surreal lifestyle. My life consists of constant "Hello"'s and "Goodbye"'s but nothing in between. Nothing stable, ever. Unexpected emotions, and unexpected actions, always. That is life. Mornings are something I grew old of, and frankly, the sunrise doesn't mean as much to me, as it did when I actually slept through them. It was once a rare occassion, when I saw the sunrise. Now, it's a simple routine, that I do each morning. I see three of the most gorgeous things in the world, every day [almost], the sunrise and sunset, and they are nothing but colours and unreached dreams. Nothing but lies, and nothing but wishes. Emotion, and of course, Amber. Amber could be a sunrise, and sunset all in one, if she wanted to. I'm, surprisingly, glad she doesn't. She doesn't want the attention that the sunrise & set get, but I can't help myself to feed it to her. She deserves the attention of a million foes, if not more. I don't think there are words that could pour out of this simple, uncreative mind, that describe how much I miss her, and how highly I think of her. The past two years my life has been a complete blur. I'm pretty sure I've convinced myself that feeling this way towards life is just a factor of growing up, but it really isn't. Feeling the way I do, day in and day out, is nothing but a manic depressant state that I can't seem to pull myself out of, no matter how hard I try. No matter how many pills I go through, no matter how many alcohol bottles reach my lips, and pour down my throat, it just.. won't go away. No matter how many times I repeat myself with these entries, no matter how much I lie to myself, I'm screwed. I'm WAY screwed. Life doesn't flow easily for me, and because of this fact, I piss myself off. One day, is really all I ask, where I don't have to deal with ANYTHING or ANYONE. I don't want to feel anything that I've been feeling the last couple of months. The heartbreak, the lust, the NEED of human touch. The need of human communication. I'm not used to needing, I'm not used to feeling, so, unimpressed in myself. I hate the fact that I can't sit here and admit that I'm broken. I refuse to say it.. but I know it's true. I gave myself to someone who completely fucked me over, in every way and form. It really isn't fair that I blame my depression, my fucked up life on Kevin, but that is the only thing that seems to make sense lately. As much as he wants to forget the bad, and restart with the good, I fucking can't. I can't let go of all the evil things he did to my heart, my fucking mind, and just start over. It's impossible. He claims to love me, but yet, he's out fucking around with other females, left and right, while I suffer because I have yet had my heart returned to me. There isn't a fucking second I spend my life without wondering what he's doing, and how he's doing, and if he's still breathing for me, because I know, I'm still breathing for him. Every worthless breath, every single tear that falls from my fucking eye is for him. Everything. Every word, every movement, every smile. Every lyric I tend to sing, repeatedly goes through my brain with the though of him. It isn't healthy. It really isn't. But we all know I've been the type to grasp on to something so fucking tight, that when it fades away, or leaves, there is such a hole in my hands, it's so hard to repair. I've gone through papers, and papers of numbers of people I've lusted, pages and pages of useless names, and pages of pages of broken hearts, but nothing has ever, for one second, made me forget him. Nothing seems to work. I've tried it all. Blocked phone numbers, and avoidance. I don't know where I'm going with this useless ramble, I'm just sick of keeping things inside that are dying to come out.. I'm sure there are spelling errors, and nonsence in this entry, considering I haven't re-read it, but I guess I really don't care to?
I'm sick of updating with useless posts, that mean nothing to what I've been feeling, but I seem to avoid my feelings, because I know a few of you on my LJ friends list, personally, dislike me, and the way I think, or are just fed up with my shit. Personally, I'm done caring about what my depression makes other people think of me. I am who I am, and if you can't stand reading my stupid, pathetic depressing entries, take me off your friends list, simple as that. I don't have time for negative comments directed towards my life. I don't have time to play preschool games with online drama. If I have a problem with someone, I'm not afraid to admit it. I'm sick of people getting mad at me, because someone else told them something I supposedly said. I'm not a chicken shit, if someone I disliked came up to my face, I'd easily spit in it, without question. If you think I have a problem with you, come to me, first, before you decide to go run your fat mouth about how slutty I am, or about how much shit I talk. I talk shit about people OPENLY, and if they want to confront be on the act, I'm not going to fucking deny it. Simple as that. If you can't trust my word, then I have no need for you in my life, to fuck it up with stupid bullshit. I may come off as being an "internet" bitch, but frankly I don't care.
Congrats if you think I'm a horrible person, truth is, I AM. Congrats if you think I'm full of shit, and a waste of space, I won't fucking deny it. Don't feed me your petty bullshit to try to make my life seem not as complicated, I don't care what you have to say, unless you, personally, know how I feel towards you and your actions. & If you're one of these people I care about, and you still proceed to make an ass out of yourself & I, by IMing me, or commenting me, and telling me you wish I had a better life, and wish I felt better.. two words "fuck off". Simple as that.
I could go on forever with ramblings about how much I dislike the human race, because I have THAT much hate, or angst, inside my body that I feed off of every single fucking day. It's going to end. I hate breaking.
I guess I owe myself a huge apology, and those I've broken over the last year.. but the only reason I did what I did, is because I had to... I guess this is to everyone who I've ever cared about, and simply thought I didn't because of the way I act and who've I've fucked over, just because I hate mixed signals. I can easily name.. 2 or 3 people I've done it to, and frankly I'm sorry it's ruined such an amazingly relationship, or even friendship. I guess this paragraph goes out to Jay, and his way of making me feel like complete shit, when I never did anything wrong, but care, in the first place. It goes out to Steven, who never cared in the first place, and most def. Ashley, even though she's not on my friends list anymore, because I was moronic, and hacked her shit, with Jake, out of spite.

10 dollars says this entry will be deleted before the end of the day.

I hate life.
1 comment|post comment

[16 Sep 2004|03:46pm]
Just some stuff, I like to read.
this was all yesterday. ;/ aw.

render truth (2:22:35 AM): I miss my sister?
boyaw (2:22:49 AM): I miss you too?
render truth (2:23:13 AM): Quit lying to me?
boyaw (2:23:22 AM): I really have fun hanging out with you?
render truth (2:23:47 AM): E>
boyaw (2:24:01 AM): I love getting close to you and pretty much have my lips next to yours
render truth (2:25:31 AM): :-[. You're silly.
boyaw (2:26:41 AM): asdf
boyaw (2:26:47 AM): I could really tell you wanted to kiss me?
boyaw (2:26:52 AM): I really wanted you too?

boyaw  (3:03:28 AM): Hai.
boyaw  (3:03:31 AM): I'm an idiot.
boyaw  (3:03:33 AM): I'll shut up?
render truth (3:03:47 AM): Hai. No you aren't?
boyaw  (3:05:01 AM): I act like it?
render truth (3:05:07 AM): Nah.
boyaw  (3:08:50 AM): You're right.
boyaw  (3:09:04 AM): I just like to look at your eyes and play video games until I piss myself off.
boyaw  (3:09:07 AM): That's not stupid?
render truth (3:09:22 AM): The first part is :-*.
boyaw  (3:09:31 AM): No, cause your eyes are gorgeous.
boyaw  (7:18:20 AM): I was lost in your eyes half the time?

boyaw  (3:40:20 PM): Amanda, sup @ you having such irrestable eyes
boyaw  (3:41:06 PM): Yours are unique?
boyaw  (3:41:10 PM): i love them?

Sigh.
Friday seems like its so far away, when in reality it's only tomorrow?
2 comments|post comment

[16 Sep 2004|01:43pm]
Here's a little entry of reality, for those that know "Shane Hellmuth" aka "ForsakenKiss" on FTJ and "Forsaken_Kiss" on Livejournal.com.. THIS ISN'T REALLY SHANE. Shane was involved in a major accident on May 17th, and is unable to speak, and walk for himself. Someone has been stealing Shane's life and posing as him on the internet. I talk to his fiance, Jenni Rae, who is also a suicide girl, and I have talked to her for awhile, so finding out this person is fake, isn't a big issue. Needless to say, whoever is pretending to be Shane is not only causing hurt for Jenni and Shane, but for the rest of the family also, considering Shane can't even talk ONE single word, or walk ONE single step without having someone right behind him, to help him all the way. The doctors told Jenni Rae that Shane wasn't going to live, but he did, and sadly, it's sad that he did. The Hellmuth family is going through so much trouble to find out who the person is behind all of the fake accounts, and I mean, there is a TON, and who this person is that won't let Shane's lifestyle go. My heart and soul goes out to Shane and Jenni Rae, as well as everyone else who loves Shane, and supports him fully due to his unexpecting accident that took his life.

This was the last picture taken of Jenni Rae & Shane, pre-accident.


Anyway. Shane is only featured on two sites, as of today, two that he rarely uses. Livejournal and Suicidegirls.com. The end. If it wasn't for Jenni Rae, the world would have lost one of the most amazing people, ever.

I love you both, and I'm sorry for your misfourtine.
Everything WILL get better.
20 comments|post comment

[14 Sep 2004|12:47am]
Russ wrote the last entry,
& if I was male, I'd fucking have BLUE BALLS right now.
:(
he just fucking left and I miss him already. sigh.
I love the way his skin feels, and I love the way he breathes on my neck "accidently". I love how he lets me spoon him whenever, and I love how he makes up silly questions to ask me. I like how we just stare at eachothers eyes for endless amounts of hours, because we're both afraid to make the "first" move, even though I made it a long time ago. He's convinced I don't like him, and I'm convinced I like more than I should.

I love the smell of his neck.
I love the softness of his hair.
I love his perfect almond shaped eyes
and his GORGEOUS full lips.

:/
come back, soon, boy.
I miss you.
11 comments|post comment

[13 Sep 2004|04:20pm]
Tight. I'm nervous.
The boy boy should here ANY time. :o
14 comments|post comment

[10 Sep 2004|12:27pm]
I get to see him Monday.
We're going to play video games, & I'm going to take him out to dinner.

Oh!
& The cutest thing was said.

Me [to another person] - I always seem to like the ones who don't like me back.
The boy - Shit! I'm fucked then. [pout].


:o On another note, since I'm watching it:
We watched the wiggles together. :o
AW.
11 comments|post comment

[09 Sep 2004|12:12am]
To be honest, I miss the feel of his lips, his flesh between my teeth and his eyes, those gorgeous fucking eyes, already.

Lets just rephase it: I'm happy, for now.
13 comments|post comment

[25 Aug 2004|07:19pm]
Uh haha.
I didnt even fucking do it.
BUT WHATEVUH.
14 comments|post comment

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